Luke and I, our love story, Prologue

“NO MORE LUKE….” That’s my birthday wish last May. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. I am finally letting go of my feelings for him. I wanna be free of Luke.


I had so many problems that time. My Dad just passed away the other month. Me and my sister have to take care of everything but mostly I was the one she relied on. Then I have to be there for my Mom too, I know it’s hard for her to lose the one she loved, I have to be strong for her. Then there’s my work too that I have to catch up on dahil sa tagal kong nawala sa office, ang dami kong backlogs. Sobrang stressful, sobrang pressure and then sometimes I get frustrated coz I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. And I’m not like this, usually carry ko kahit ano pang loads ang dumating but since pumasok ang family problems ko, I get so confused kung ano ang uunahin ko.


And then there’s Luke. Although he didn’t came to my Dad’s wake because of his work, he was always calling and checking up on me. He was extra caring, extra sweet, treating me more special that time because he knows what I’ve been going through, even after my Dad’s funeral up until before my birthday, he never fails to send me a message or call me to asked if I’m ok, pero naisip ko, if he’s going to be like this as a friend, nakakaawa naman ako, I mean mas lalo lang akong mai-inlove sa kanya. And then what, masasanay ako, hahanapin ko, but if he knows I’m ok na, I know balik na naman sa dati, him being there as a friend. Ang daya di ba, bakit, ganon? Bakit ako lang ang dapat makaramdam? Bakit hindi pati sya? Ang daming bakit, pero sa isip ko, I know the answer, I know what I should do, iniwasan ko lang gawin, pero pwede ko naming gawin. Ayoko lang munang gawin coz I’m still hoping. Pero this time, I am ready or maybe I would say, I’m wanna be ready to let him go.


On the morning of my birthday, when I woke up, I have decided to change my wish.... NO MORE LUKE…. I was wishing and praying so hard. Alam mo yung feeling na every year you make a wish for your birthday, isang wish lang kasi gusto mong matupad. He is my only wish, for 4 years, but nothing change, nothing happen. Bakit ganon? My wish never came true. Mabigat sa loob ko na baguhin ang wish ko that day pero I need to para makapagmove on ako, kasabay ng pag-move on ko na wala na ang Dad ko. I need to face the day na someday kailangan ding mawala na rin sya sa buhay ko, hindi ko na sya dapat isama sa mga plans ko. Ayokong sabihin na the earlier the better, kasi 5 years na e, mas better siguro na stop it now, I have to face it, hindi sya para sa’kin.


Ang tagal kong nakahiga lang sa bed ko, I feel so empty after that wish pero ayokong baguhin. After a few minutes, my phone rings, I got a call from him, I didn’t answer. I wanted to pero I kept myself from doing so. He called me three times that morning, I was just crying while my phone kept on ringing. I didn’t go to the office that day. I called my boss to tell him that I’m taking a break, he didn’t know it was my birthday, hindi thoughtful yun e, so he thought lang that I just need a break so he allowed me to.


Around 6pm, Luke texted me, ewan ko why I read his message, hindi na dapat but I did, it says, “I was calling you today, I called you at the office, Jing told me you’re taking a break today, I hope you’re ok. I know this is not one of your best birthdays because you misses your Dad, but cheer up, I know your Dad wants you to be happy today. Happy birthday Tash, just give me a call when you can ok, hindi muna kita kukulitin ngayon. I know you needed a space.”


A space, yes, that’s what I needed. A space away from him.


After my birthday celebration with my family that night, I just go to my room, got my laptop and go through my files. I erased everything that will remind me of him. Pictures, written notes and messages that I copied from my emails, text and YM. Yeah, that’s how I treasured him, everything that would remind me of him, I would copied and saved. Even if it's a just simple hi and hello text messages.




After that, I go through my stuff. Luke would always give me something when he goes back from his travels or for my birthdays or christmases. The first gift I got from him is a silver bracelet crafted with pink tile base and white small flowers. He bought it when he visited his sister and brother in Holland. I put it in a box, including the brown string necklace with heart shape pendant he given me in 2008 christmas, 2 bags; one black pouch na may butterflies prints and a black addidas bagpack he given me on my birthday in 2009, a shirt from his old school, a mug that I actually asked to have (it’s a gift from his client, I like the design so I asked him if I can have it, and Luke just say yes), the black ipod shuffle stick that always travels with me (Luke actually bought it for me 2 years ago as a christmas gift coz I wanted to have it but I don’t wanna buy it kasi nagkukuripot ako that time), a set of silver earrings and bracelets (I forgot which trip nyang pasalubong yun), a batik handkerchief from Indonesia, a painting done by a native guy in Uganda and a black stuffed toy who looks like Marcus when he was just a puppy he given me on last year’s christmas.


I didn’t throw it away though. I put it in the upper shelf of my dresser for the meantime. I was thinking of giving it to my niece, she’s gonna be so happy taking it all. She doesn’t live with us so I won’t actually see those stuff again all the time.


I cried so much that night. It’s too painful for me. It’s been 5 years and it’s so hard to let him go. We have so much memories together. Our travels, our conversations, discussions, debates when we are not agreeing on something, yung mga secret messages naming everytime trip naming mag-out of this world at kami lang dalawa ang nagkakaintindihan ng usapan. Yung mga asaran, kulitan at minsan me tampuhan pag hindi sya tumutupad sa usapan. And most of all, just being with him, talking to him, hearing his voice and him looking into your eyes when he talks, he never breaks an eye contact when he talks e, minsan I was afraid he would see me through. Kaya lang I don’t know if he ever did coz he never say anything naman. I know it’s going to be hard for me. All of him is sketched in my mind; his body, his face, his smiles, his laughter, his stares, his beautiful brown eyes, I just wanted to erase it in just one night but I know it would never happen, not yet but maybe soon….


I told myself that night, “Tomorrow, you have to face the day with a smile on your face. Do not look back and think of a future with him, he’s not worth your love. You deserve someone better, go find that someone.”


Everyday after that night, it’s like my chant before I sleep, it was to remind me not to think of him. Not to dream of him. I was succeeding, and Luke gave me the space I needed. He was busy that time. Nagkaron ng problem yung mga service crew nila abroad. Dati, I would called him and asked if he’s ok at kung anong nangyari or minsan he would call to tell me those stuff pero that time sa boss ko na nalalaman, kahit hindi ko kasi tanungin, automatic yun magkukwento about his best buddy, Luke.


Then after a month, I went to Mindanao for a project visit. My boss asked me to go to Luke’s office when I passed by Manila on my way home to check on the papers that Luke needed to sign and bring it with me back home. I was hesitant to do it but then I thought, ok, face him for the last time so that you’ll know if you are really over him. .


I went to his office around 6pm that afternoon, the day is June 2nd. They usually closed at 6pm. When I walk into the office, everyone is still there and so busy. I just asked his secretary where Luke is. She said to just go to his office because some of the staff are working in the boardroom.


I was very nervous that time. I haven’t been to his office for such a long time. His office is very him, everything about him. That’s why I would rather go to the boardroom and meet him there.


I knocked first before I entered. He was on the phone when I came in. He looked at me and was surprised to see me there. He just stared at me for a while and then he smiled. Just like that, with just one smile, everything turned into pieces. The walls I was building for over a month just all broken down right before my eyes and I didn’t tried to put it back to it places, pinabayaan ko lang masira and all I wanted to do that time is to go straight to him and hug him. God, I missed him so much. I know nagmisty ang eyes ko so I blinked the tears away.


He said goodbye sa kausap nya and then he stands up. Pumasok na’ko ng room not looking at him and took one of his visitor’s chair and sat in front of him. When I got myself seated, I looked at him, he was just looking back at me and then he seated himself.


“You looked so thin, are you on a diet?” He asked just looking at me, I don’t know what’s on his mind, basta, nakatitig lang sya, nakakaasiwa.


“No, I’m not, marami lang trabaho.” I answered.


“Walang smile? You looked different when you’re not smiling.” He said smiling.


I smiled at him. “O ayan, mahal yan, me bayad.” He laughed. Then he open one of his table drawers, he got a tiny gold box inside the drawer and gave it to me.


“Etong bayad, mahal yan.” He said.


“Ow’s di nga! Ano ‘to?” I asked not showing my excitement and at the same time kabwisitan sa sarili ko, parang ano ba, me pa-wish-wish ka pang nalalaman tapos ngayon parang wala lang. Nagsayang ka ng luha ‘neng, pinahirapan mo pa yang sarili mo. Tapos me gift lng sya ulit, natuwa ka na.


“Just open it, it’s my birthday gift kaya lang me sumpong ka naman that time kaya hindi ko muna pinadala.”


I opened the box, it’s a set of gold butterfly earrings. Butterflies, he knows it’s my favorite and I’m so happy.


“You like it?” He asked.


“Yes! Thank you.” I told him. Naiilang ako tumingin sa kanya at naiinis rin kasi I don’t know kung saan napunta lahat ng ipinagpilitan ko sa sarili ko for over a month tapos ngayon, eto, makaharap ko lang tumilapon lahat sa iba’t-ibang lugar, ang matindi, hindi ko na makita kung saan tumilapon, pinahirapan ko lang yung sarili ko sa wala lang din pala mapupunta. Hay pagmamahal nga naman…. Tapos etong isang ‘to magpapacute pa.


“Thank you?” Tanong nya.


“E, ano pala?” Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. I put the earrings back in the box and then put it inside my bag.


“Sige ok na yung thank you lang.” Ngumiti lang sya. “Ang dami mong utang ha, hindi ka sumasagot sa text and calls ko, bakit?”


“Wala, ang dami ko lang ginagawa e, saka busy ka rin naman, ayaw kitang kulitin muna.” Sabi ko na lang sa kanya.


“Ok ka na?” He asked.


“Yes, I am, wala naman akong magagawa di ba, it’s part of life.”


“Yeah I know pero there’s something missing na because your Dad’s not there.”


“Yes, but we are coping, my Mom is coping pretty well too.” I told him.
Ayoko munang pag-usapan about my Dad kaya iniba ko yung topic. “Um…. by the way, Calvin is telling me you still got the documents, did you sign it?”


“Yes, I did last week pa kaya lang I forgot to give it to Lira to send it back to him.” He got one of the envelopes on his table. “Here, everything is signed, promise, I checked.” Lagi kasing kulang ang pages na napipirmahan nya everytime me pinapasign akong documents na pinapadala sa kanya kaya everytime I asked for it, I told him to check every pages. I opened the enveloped and looked at him. Ngumiti sya, gosh, I just love that lopsided smile of him. Bakit kasi kailangan pang magsmile sya ng ganun?


“Hindi ko na itsi-check ha, pag me kulang to lagot ka sa’kin.” Sabi ko na lang para nadistract ako, tumawa lang sya.


“So how’s everything going sa office?” He asked, we started talking about updates ng work, projects, staffing, budget, etc…. etc…. ang tagal, siguro more than an hour din.


“So meaning you got a new load right now?” He asked after I told him that Calvin assigned me another programme.


“Yes, it’s a new load in a way but he’s giving me additional staff so I can work on this, after I trained the new one on finance, mababawasan na rin naman ang load ko.” Sabi ko.


“Ok just make sure that he doesn’t work you out too much. Work is not an answer para madivert mo sa iba yung situation mo right now, that’s what I told him the last time we talked.” He said.


“Why are you talking behind my back?” I asked him, nairita ako but I know they always do that naman e, talking about me behind my back, tsismoso kasi ang dalawang yun.


“Sorry, hindi naman sinadya, he just told me na he wants you to do something para daw makatulong in a way with what you are going through right now. I told him you need to like what you do so he better ask you first, not just assign it to you.”


“Okay lang naman e, no problem with that. You know hindi mo ako mapipilit if I don’t like what I’m doing.”


“Okay, pero let me know if ayaw mo na ha, I can talk to him.” Seryosong sabi nya.


“Ikaw, lagi kang ganyan, nangingialam ka sa’kin” Biro ko sa kanya.


“Gusto mo namang pinakikialaman kita, kasi pasaway ka. Pareho kayo ng boss mo, ang tigas ng ulo nyo.”


“Eh kanino ba nagmana yun e di sa’yo. Ikaw ang adviser nun di ba?”


“Idamay mo pa ‘ko, adviser lang ako. Balik tayo sa’yo, kamusta ka na? Are you going out with your friends? I mean, just to relax, para maiba naman?”


“Yes, I did, sila ang nagyayaya, they know na I needed them this time.”


“So anong ginawa nyo?” Tanong nya, akala mo boyfriend kung makatanong naman.


“Hang-out sa Bar, me bagong Bar kasi si Ab, dun kami lagi tambay, libre ang drinks, taga-tikim ng bagong flavors na inoofer nila, juice lang ako at fraffe, yun lang naman ang carry kong mainom.” He haven’t meet some of my friends, 2 pa lang sa kanila ang nameet nya pero kilala nya na silang lahat dahil madalas kong ikwento ko sila sa kanya. “Dumating si Kim kasama yung hubby and daughter nila, so reunion kami, ayoko sanang pumunta, kaya lang sinundo ako ng mga bruha sa office.”


“Bakit ayaw mong pumunta?”


“Natural ako na naman ang pagtitripan nung mga yun pag kompleto kami, as usual ako lang ang walang asawa sa’min diba. Buti na lang pumunta si Reggie, at least 2 kaming pinagtripan.”


“I thought Reggie is married.”


“She is, pero wala syang anak.” Nakangiti pa’kong inform sa kanya. “At least ako walang partner kaya walang anak, e sya, meron, wala pa rin, 4 years na sila ng husband nya, pareho lang kami ngayon, dogs ang babies, pero talo ko sya pag paramihan ng alaga.”Proud ko pang dugtong.


“At proud ka pa.”


“Syempre. At least naungusan ko sya di ba, kahit sa aso na lang, di ko pa nga dinamay yung alaga naming askal ha.” Tawanan kami, shocks, eto ang sobrang namiss ko. makipagtawanan sa mokong na’to.


“Nakakainis lang yung hubby ni Kim, ang lakas mang-asar.” Sabi ko after.


“Why?” Tanong nya.


“Ay wag na, erase.”


“Anong erase, ano nga?” Tanong nya ulit.


“E kasi nga napag-usapan yung mga kasal-kasal na yan, tapos ako ang napagtripan, di ba nga yung 3 friend ko na kinasal, bridesmaid ako, ayun always a bridesmaid na lang daw ako, hindi magiging bride.”


“Anong sabi mo.” Nakangiti sya.


“Eh hindi ko naman talaga naimagine maging bride noh, ayoko ng maraming tao, at ayoko ngang maggown ng white at humawak ng bouquet.”


Natawa sya. “ Dahil dun ayaw mo ng wedding?”


“Yes, nakakainis ka, kayo, parang lahat ng babae gusto namang ikasal. Tapos kinulit ako, lahi na lang daw, mag-iwan naman ako sa mundo para me tagapagmana, hindi aso. Sabi ko naman sa kanila mag-aanak na lang ako, maghahanap ako ng donor yung blue eyes, para blue eyes ang baby ko!” Ang sarap na kwento ko, nadala ako, hindi ko napansin, iba ang dating kay Luke. Lumipat sya ng pwesto sa harapan, he seated himself sa kaharap kong chair.


“Pa’no yan, hindi ako blue eyes, di hindi ako pwede?” Sabi nya.


“Hah?” Nagulat ako.


“Hindi ako pwedeng donor mo, hindi ako blue eyes e.” Sabi nya ulit.


Nahimasmasan ako, feeling ko sinasabayan nya yung trip ko. “Ah, mas gusto ko naman ng brown eyes e.” Sabi ko, sinakyan ko yung trip nya.


“So pwede na’ko, pano ang process nun?” Tanong nya, seryoso sya. Ano daw? Kaloka na. Ok sige sakay.


“Hindi ko pa alam, pag-iisipan ko.” Sabi ko naman.


“Pwedeng natural process yung paggawa ng baby?” Sobrang hindi ko iniexpect yung tanong nya, nabatukan ko tuloy sya.


“Ouch naman, ba’t may kasamang batok yung paggawa ng baby.” Tawa sya ng tawa.


“Ewan sa’yo, pasaway ka, kung saan-saan napupunta ang usapan natin.” First time naming nag-usap ng ganon, hindi ko naman sineryoso that time, ayokong mag-isip nag hindi tama.


Nung me tumawag sa kanya, nagpaalam na’ko. “I have to go, gabi na, maaga ang flight ko bukas.” Past 8pm na rin kasi after naming mag-usap, pag me kasama kasing usapan ng work, tumatagal lagi ang kwentuhan namin.


Sumenyas sya ng sandali lang so I waited ng konti. E ang tagal so tumayo na’ko, and told him, “I really have to go.” Sabay talikod and exit na’ko. Wala nang tao sa labas. Umuwi na yung mga staff nya. Ang bilis ko tuloy nakalabas ng office nila, buti na lang nasa floor nila ang elevator kaya hindi ako naghintay ng matagal.


Pagbaba ko, me taxi agad. Malapit lang yung hotel sa office nya so after a few minutes nakabalik na’ko sa room ko. I checked my phone pagbaba ko ng bag ko. I got 2 miscalls from him. I called him back. “Why did you call?”


“Nasa lobby ka pa?” Tanong nya.


“Nope nasa room ko na.”


“Ang bilis mo naman.”


“Ang lapit lang kaya ng hotel dyan at wala ng traffic, bakit?”


“Ihahatid sana kita, then let’s have dinner. Puntahan na lang kita dyan.”


“Wag na, ok na’ko, kanina hindi pa kasi agad nagsabi.”


“Ok sige, next time na lang. Uhm, Tash?”


“Yes.”


“Anong time ang flight mo tomorrow?”


“7:30am, 6am dapat nasa airport na’ko, wag ka na magbalak maghatid dahil baka malate pa ako.” Sabi ko, ilang beses na kasi hinatid na mokong na yun, as usual muntik ako laging malate, me time pa na hindi talaga ako nakasakay and he has to pay for the rebooking, mabuti me nakuha kaming sked ng same day.


“Ok, see you again then. Ahm, when are you coming back?”


“Hindi ko sure, pero I think in 2 weeks time dito ulit ako. Sige uwi ka na, you need to rest. Goodnight.” Sabi ko na lang, I know there’s something pero ayokong bigyan ng meaning. Pag ganito na yung feeling mo at matagal na, nasasanay na ako na hindi na lang pansinin kung meron mang kaibang mapapansin sa kanya, ayoko kasing mag-hope tapos wala naman.


After that night hindi na kami nagkausap ni Luke, busy ulit sya sa work nya, ako naman, I don’t want to text or call him. Gusto ko lang mawala ng parang bula yung pinag-usapan namin that night. Alam kong hindi na mawawala yung feelings ko kahit anong gawin ko, lalo na nagkikita kami,nagkakasama, wala akong choice as of this time kaya sige itolerate and dapat itolerate pero katulad ng dati, tago pa rin ang feelings ko. Dapat lang.


We didn’t see each other for almost 2 months, super busy ako nun, travelling and workshop, I only passed by Manila for connecting flights kaya no chance na magkita kami ni Luke.


Then a week before September, I went to our sub-office in ___________. Dumaan ako sa office nila to get the package na dun naiaddress ng supplier namin. Sandali lang sana ako but Luke was there so he asked me to come to his office.


“Kamusta? Busy? Ang tagal mong di nagpakita ah?”


“Busy ang dami kong trabaho.”


“Stressful?”


“Medyo, namomobrolema ko sa admin ng Sub-office, pinasasakit ang ulo ko, simple instructions, ang hirap nilang masundan, everyday na lang I have to remind them, everyday, I have to repeat the same instructions.”


“Di ba me bago kang assistant, bakit hindi sya ang magfollowup?”


“Kung ako nga hindi na sila makafollowup sa kanya pa, I have to go there pa para ayusin, isipin mo how much money we need to spend going back and forth para lang sila ayusin, I’m giving them 3 months para ayusin ng trabaho nila ha and I already told Calvin na if hindi nila maayos, I don’t have a choice but to terminate them, mabait na nga ako eh, binibigyan ko pa sila ng time, kahit na nakalagay naman sa rules and regu natin na pwede na silang alisin agad if they don’t performed well.” Litanya ko kay Luke, ganun ako sa kanya pag me problema, sige lang ang kwento, minsan walang preno. “Sabi ko nga sa kanila, naku pasalamat kayo hindi pa’ko buntis, hay naku, kung hindi ako bed ridden ngayon, makukunan ako sa inyo.”


“Are you serious?” He asked.


“About what?” Tanong ko naman, hindi ko nagets kung saan ako dapat maging serious at kung ano yung tinatanong nya.


“About the baby thing?” He asked again. Ano daw? Nag-iemote ako. Kung anu-ano ang tinatanong ng loko.


“Ahhhh.” Baby thing, yay! “Yes, ewan, basta hindi pa ngayon, pag natapos yung problem ko sa office maybe I’ll think about it.” I was really blabbering. Nakakaloka ang tanong ng loko.


“Ok then let me know when you have decided.” Seryosong sabi nya. Ano daw ulit?


“Bakit, gusto mo talagang maging donor? Are you serious?” I was not sure why I asked that question pero parang gusto ko lang naman malaman ang isasagot nya, I was really curious.


He looked at me straight in the eyes, sobrang seryoso ng face nya and he said, “Yes, I am, very serious.”


Nagpalpitate yata ako nun, sobrang nawindang ang mundo ko, hindi ako makatingin sa kanya. I was not ready for this, baka pinagtitripan lang ako kasi sobrang kadaladalan ko, ewan, basta.


Hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa nya that time kasi yumuko nalang ako, kunwari iniinspect ko yung package na dala ko. Tahimik lang yung room. Then maya-maya pumasok yung secretary nya dala yung extension line, he got a call.


Time for me to exit. I looked at him, nakatingin pa rin sya sa’kin while taking the call, I know seryoso yung usapan nila nung kausap nya kasi nagbago yung expression ng face nya so I told him, “Luke, I’m going na.”


Tinakpan nya yung mouthpiece ng phone. “No, mamaya na.”


“Busy ka, aalis na’ko.” Tumayo na’ko, talikod sabay layas, hindi naman sya humabol sa’kin I know seryoso talaga ang usapan nila nung kausap nya. Nilakad ko from his office to the Hotel where I am staying. Naloka ako sa kanya, hindi sya tumawag like before, I don’t know why, ayoko na rin malaman so I haven’t texted or call him. Like the last time, ayokong bigyan ng ibang meaning yung usapan namin.


Pero I know there’s something going on pero I don’t want to pinpoint kung ano, baka mali yung maturo ko sa sarili ko, ayoko maghope hangga’t wala pang nangyayari. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang nasa isip ni Luke that time. If he is giving a hint or what. I know I gave him a hint pero hindi ako sure kung nakuha nya dahil wala naman syang ginagawa. Kaya kong itolerate yung feelings ko pero ayoko masaktan pag nareject ako. Ok na yung friends lang kami, tama na yun muna. Kahit sobrang tagal na friends lang kami, at parang hanggang dun nga lang.


After 3 weeks, I got another schedule in Manila. Calvin told me to stay at Luke’s condo because he was in Cebu for a week and I can use his condo the whole time I was in Manila para makatipid ang office namin.


That is another story….. the start of our love story, although this is one of the highlights so I inserted this page, I think somehow, this is connected to the other pages, somehow, eto yung nagbukas para kay Luke to give in, to tell me how he feels….


I hope you enjoyed reading guys!